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When I walked into the Internet gaming cafe that I'd tricked Brooklyn into coming to, my heart skipped a beat. It does that sometimes. The doctors are baffled as to why, exactly, and my explanation -- that I'd taught my own heart to beat to the tune of Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" -- did nothing to assuage their worries. Luckily, my lack of health insurance did that instead.
When the blackness that forever lives at the edges of my vision receded, I saw an angel standing uncertainly between two chubby Koreans swearing at computer screens. God, she was sharp. She saw it coming early, and if her ass kept bouncing around nervously like that, she'd see something else coming early soon enough. That was it," Brooklyn answered, then stomped her way out of the double doors at GameBryoz, and my heart, forever.
That went exactly like every other date I've ever had with a normal. Are these "Internetizens" just as shockingly prude and standards-having as real people? No, no surely that can't be the case.
I've seen the Internet. So it might just be this particular site; sure, it's the biggest, but maybe it's like the Playboy to hardcore pornography. And just like porn, I'm probably going to have to go to some weird, shameful, possibly illegal places before I get my rocks off.
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Sandra Byrd, from Sugardaddyforme. She'd agreed to the location in part because, no matter how the date went, it would at least make for a nice outing for her many, many stupid, stupid children, and in part because I'd offered to "make it rain in that bitch.
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Right off the bat, I could see she looked nothing like her picture. She was a bit on the chubby side, and looked like somebody had rode Daryl Hannah hard, put her away wet and then hit her with a taser.
The ass of her pants insisted that their contents were "Juicy," and I had no cause to doubt the veracity of that statement. I suspected she may have just pasted a stock photo model into a fake online dating profile. What kind of sociopath does that? I stole a peek down at the screen.
It was all rapidly cascading text, like hacking into the Matrix, but instead of code it was just the words "LOL" over and over again, repeating to infinity. At that, she finally tore her eyes from the pseudo-binary of endless LOLOL-ing, and flashed me a timid smile It's like you've got rickets Continue Reading Below Advertisement Continue Reading Below Advertisement and hemorrhoids, like John Wayne with anal fissures, like you're trying to straddle a cact-".
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Check this shit out," I said proudly, thumbing through the thick wad of bills. Her eyes went wide and a saucy little string of drool chased its way across her jowl like, literally, though -- it was tinged with some kind of sauce.
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But when she got a closer look, she too scoffed, and turned to leave me. They got whistles and tiny combs and pewter skull rings and I think I saw some Gak in there! But it was too late.
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She was gone, and with her went a piece of my heart, plus I think she took my sunglasses too. Something still wasn't right. I just wasn't finding the kind of amoral psychopathy that I'm accustomed to on the Internet. I wanted the kind of girl that wouldn't just be a lover, but an accomplice. Dimly lit bars, loud dance floors and awkward introductions—yikes! Or do you have the funds but nobody to be your companion? The site gives both parties the opportunity to get what they want: Are you a soldier, nurse or pilot?
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